My journey to healing my mental health

One of the most prevolent issues causing me to struggle at this time, is the seperation and trying to begin the process of getting divorced. I was the one that wanted the seperation because I felt extremely unhappy in the marriage. There was multiple issues, I felt like I was more his mother then his wife, I felt like I was always trying to communicate using clear basic statements that I was unhappy and even told him exactly what I needed to see from him which all he had to do was try. There was one point in the last year or so we were together, he wasnt working at all while I worked multiple jobs one being away from home for two weeks and going to school. One would safely assume in a marriage that if the spouse was at home there would be some sort of effort on their part to at least try to keep the house as clean as you can with two kids running around as wel as two dogs. However I would come home after two weeks to nothing being done garbage and food and toys and stuff all over the place. How is that fair? Then right before we had seperated, I was beginning to feel angry and resentful and we all know that harbouring those kinds of emotions towards your spouse wont solve anything so I asked for space to work through them, but he went the opposite direction and started crowding me more. So I asked for the seperation, which had its own issues with his behaviour afterwards. So let me ask this, if this was just one major issue why after a year and a half do I all of a sudden feel so angry, and spiteful. I beginning to feel like the crazy ex who just cant let go and I am not proud of my behaviour. Where is this all coming from, I know for a fact that I dont want to get back together with him. Did my brain just compartmentlize all of the hurt, resentment and anger. He has a new girlfriend, and there is some part ( the spiteful side) where I struggle to fight the urge to make his life as miserable as he made mine, that I want to ruin what happiness he has because I am miserable myself and honestly really thought I would be the one to move one first. Or on the other side am I just finally grieving the loss of the marriage? I always told myself that I would only get married once and that divorce wasnt an option, then I got married and that view changed. I feel like I spent the last four years trying to improve the marriage, trying to make it work and not getting even close to the same effort back. I know with my training that anger is one of the stages of grief and I also know that at one point I must have loved him although I cant for the life of me remember why. So maybe now that we are talking about moving past the seperation stage and actually getting legally divorced my mind is just now going through the stages of grief and I am currently at the anger stage. These feelings are so confusing because as I said previously I am the one that wanted the seperation and I want to be divorced so I can rid myself of as much of our life together as I can. There is also the issue of the way he is with his new girlfriend, he willing spends time with her without complaining, he puts his phone away when he is with her when I couldnt even have a conversation with him without that phone. So in seeing this it also brings in the feeling of not being good enough. Why when everything I had to beg him for he is willingly doing for someone else, why wasnt I good enough for the same amount of effort when I was his actual wife. I have explained all this to him multiple times but yet he still thinks we seperated because we grew apart. If that was the case then I wouldnt feel as hurt and angry as I am. I had a good friend explain her theory on all this, which was that because I have spent time improving myself, I am consantly learning and growing as an individual and hes the exact same person, so basically we did grow apart but thats I guess what hurts the most is marriage is also supposed to be growing together as we move through different stages of life. Maybe one day he will learn from his mistakes but I guess thats on him and all I can do is figure out a way to work through this confusing time and all the emotions and get on with my life.

I would love to hear any feedback or comments, every one might have different opinions and expereinces.